Friday, September 14, 2012
I started to lay out everything I needed for the morning and went to the website for some last minute advice. For the first time I saw the layout of the course and a synopsis of the obstacles. I must admit for a moment I started to have doubts about my abilities to face this task.
I have been preparing myself for some time now. While most would think of a regimen that included good nutrition, strength and agility training with cardio and endurance-my preparation included all of the above but the emphasis was on so much more.
For me this quest is not so much a physical journey as it is an emotional or a spiritual one. For me it marks a choice. One of a return to life. I want to feel again.
We all know about our bodies defense mechanisms and the “fight or flight” mode that takes over to protect us. Almost 10 years ago when tragedy struck survival was absolutely dependent on my ability to stand tall and grounded. I learned very early on that meant you needed a force field to protect your vulnerable layers of emotions. With time I learned you could still feel joy and happiness, it was just always detached-it never reached the core-it didn’t penetrate or go all the way through. As sad as that sounds it was absolutely necessary because it also meant that the shearing pain and unbearable sadness as heavy as it was also didn’t go all the way through. But half of something is still half.
Over time with lots of reflection about building the best life for my family and for myself I know the best way to honor Tori is for us to truly live fully and in the moment. And I realized that mostly from something Tori herself said when she was just 10 years old and excited to be on her first major National karate trip.
We were at the Arizona Biltmore in Phoenix. It was hot and Tori and I stepped out the patio doors. I was standing in the middle of the balcony and she had her back pressed against the outside cinderblock walls. I said, “Tori come next to me because if you stand here you can really feel how hot it is”. Tori disagreed saying you can’t really feel if you walk in and out. She said the walls were hotter because they stayed-because they were there all the time. I asked her what made her think she was right and Tori responded, “Mom, the only way you can really feel is if you’re present”.
It’s time to be present for all of it – to feel it all the way through. I have a hunch there’s no way I can avoid feeling anything about tomorrow. Here goes nothing……
